Jokes Thread

lets have some humor shall we? post you best jokes :)

-No Racism-

Man driving down the road one day when he sees a cute young girl standing on the edge of a cliff....curious he pulls over and asks what she is doin she replies i cant take it anymore and im gonna kill my self sohe says well what the fuck before u do u mind givin me a blowjob ? she thinks what the fuck im gonna kill my self anyway so she gets on her knees and gives him the best blowjob he ever had...wow that that was amasing .... so tell my whats a pretty young talented girl like youself wanna kill herself anyway? the girl look at him and says well if you reall wanna know my parents disowned me for gettin a sex change......

Jose approaches the Mexican border on his bicycle. Hanging from his shoulders he has two large, bulky bags.
The border patrol guard stops him and says, “Hey mister what ya got in those bags?”
“Just sand,” replied Jose.

There are 4 cows in a field. 3 baby cows, and one mother cow.
One of the baby cows comes up and says "mommy, why am I named Rose?"
So she says "Because when you were born a rose petal fell upon your head"
The second one comes up and says "mommy why am i named Lilly?"
So she says "Because when you were a baby a lilly petal fell on your head"
The third one comes up and says "JASLAFRAGIMU!!"
"SHUT UP CINDERBLOCK!" yells the mother cow.

I found it amusing LOL

Try some Cyanide and Happiness at http://www.explosm.net/comics/1763/ (Newest Today)

They made Chuck norris toilet paper once...
But it wouldn't take shit from anybody.



AND THE BEST ONE EVER!!!

A father passing by his son's bedroom, was astonished to see the bed
was nicely made, and that everything was picked up and tidy.
Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed,

'Dad.'

With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the
letter, with trembling hands.

Dear Dad,

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing to you. I had to
elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with
Mum and you.

I've been finding real passion with Stacy, and she is so nice, but I
knew you would not approve of her, because of all her piercings',
tattoos, her tight Motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much
older than I am.

But it's not only the passion, Dad. She's pregnant.
Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.

Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't, really
hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves, and trading it with
the other people in the commune, for all the cocaine and
ecstasy we want.

In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS, so
Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it!

Don't worry Dad, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself.
Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit, so you can get to know
your many grandchildren.

Love, your son, Joshua.

P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Jason's house.
I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in
life than the School report that's on the kitchen table.

Never again, Bad BAD BAD BAD BAD BAD

BAD BAD
BAD BAD BAD BAD BAD BAD BAD BAD BAD BAD BAD BAD
BAD BAD BAD BAD BAD BAD BAD BAD BAD BAD BAD BAD

BAD BAD BAD BAD BAD BAD BAD BAD BAD BAD BAD BAD BAD BAD BAD BAD




















(Banned , Jokes are terrible)

LOL, you dont like our jokes Conquer

I LoL'ed at the Exam one

Yeah theyre funny joke, I'll have to find some more

anyone heard of the arab talkin doll? no one knows what it says yet no one is game to pull the cord.....

why are washing machines better than women?
a washing machine wont follow u around when u dump ur load in it!

why do women get married in white?
all good kitchen appliances are white!

why does beonce sing to the left to the left?
cuz blacks have no rights!

how long does it take to kill a baby in a microwave?
i dunno either i was to busy masturbating!

2 gay guys in a bed and the house is on fire which gets out first?
the one on the bottom his shit is already packed

how do u fit 4 gay guys on a barstool?
flip it upside down

what do you tell you wife with 2 black eyes?
what else can u say u already told her twice

blonde walks into a bar u woulda though the dumb bitch woulda seen it hey

sandwich walks into a bar barman says sorry we dont serve food here

guy walks into a bar goes can i have 7 shots of tequila please .... the barman replies whats the occasion the man replies i just got my first blowjob the bartender goes here have one on the house the man says thanks you dont know how hard it is to get the taste of cock outa your mouth...

umm tryin to think of more brain said no

Try to stay away from racist jokes.

im not racist i own a colour tv :lol:

Have you been injured??


Involved in a car accident??


Slipped on a wet floor at work??


Tripped on an unevan curb??


If so...


You're a clumsy fucker.

2 old women sat in a cafe. Betty says to ethel "did u come on the bus"?

Ethel replies "yes but i made it look like an asthma attack"!

3 nurses working in a morge discover a dead man with a hard on.
First nurse says "cant let that go to watseand rides him.
Secound nurse does the same.
third nurse hesitates and says she is on her period but does him anyway.
Then the man sits up the nurses dubmfounded apologise saying they all thought he was dead.
Man replies saying he was but aftertwo jump starts and a blood transfusion he feels better then ever!

If you have five dollars and Chuck Norris has five dollars, Chuck Norris has more money than you.

There is no 'ctrl' button on Chuck Norris's computer. Chuck Norris is always in control.

Apple pays Chuck Norris 99 cents every time he listens to a song.

Chuck Norris can sneeze with his eyes open.

Chuck Norris is suing Myspace for taking the name of what he calls everything around you.

Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.

When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of creatures Chuck Norris has allowed to live.

Outer space exists because it's afraid to be on the same planet with Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.

There is no chin behind Chuck Norris’ beard. There is only another fist.

When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn’t lifting himself up, he’s pushing the Earth down.

Chuck Norris is so fast, he can run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head.

Chuck Norris’ hand is the only hand that can beat a Royal Flush.

Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch, HE decides what time it is.

Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.

Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. Chuck Norris bites frost

Heres a good one I read a while back.


Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really pissed.

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Bob has been missing since Friday.

Drinking Troubleshooting



SYMPTOM listed first
FAULT listed second
ACTION listed third

Feet cold and wet.
Glass being held at incorrect angle.
Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.

Feet warm and wet.
Improper bladder control.
Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training.

Drink unusually pale and tasteless.
Glass empty.
Get someone to buy you another drink.

Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
You have fallen over backward.
Have yourself lashed to bar.

Mouth contains cigarette butts.
You have fallen forward.
See above.

Alcohol tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.

Floor blurred.
You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
Get someone to buy you another drink.

Floor moving.
You are being carried out.
Find out if you are being taken to another bar.

Room seems unusually dark.
Bar has closed.
Confirm home address with bartender.

Taxi suddenly takes on colourful aspect and textures.
Alcohol consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
Cover mouth.

Everyone looks up to you and smiles.
You are dancing on the table.
Fall on somebody cushy-looking.

Drink is crystal-clear.
It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up.
Punch him.

Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.
You have been in a fight.
Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them.

Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in.
You've wandered into the wrong party.
See if they have free alcohol.

Your singing sounds distorted.
The drink is too weak.
Have more alcohol until your voice improves.

Don't remember the words to the song.
Drink is just right.
Play air guitar.

Three men married wives from different countries. The first man married a woman from China . He told her
that she was to do their dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of
days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed
and put away.


The second man married a woman from Italy. He gave his wife orders that
she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he
didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the
third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done and there was a
huge dinner on the table.


The third man married a girl from Canada . He ordered her to keep
the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on
the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything,
the second day he didn't see anything but by the third day, some of the
swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, and his arm
was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher.

a man is driving down the highway in texas. he is going 120 in a 80 zone. WAY OVER THE SPEED LIMIT. next thing he knows theres flashing lights in his mirror so he actually speeds up. hes going 150 and the cop is still behind him. so fine. he pulls over. the cop walks up to his window and says. "alright sir, if you can give me a damned good reason u were driving so fast ill let you go"...... the man looks at the cop very calmly. and simply says "three years ago my wife ran off with a texas state trooper." and the cop gives him a stupid look and asks "so whats ur point?" the man simply looks ahead out his window and quietly says "i thought u were bringing her back." the cop laughed for 20 minutes on the side of the road after the car had pulled away without a ticket.

chaos182 wrote:

The third man married a girl from Canada . He ordered her to keep
the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on
the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything,
the second day he didn't see anything but by the third day, some of the
swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, and his arm
was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher.

OMG YES THATS TRUE (word of advice for people who try to boss me around ) ROFL

A blonde walks into a bar... ouch =x

What do you call a dear with no eyes? - No Idea [Eye dear]

What do you call a dear with no eyes and no legs? Still no idea [ no eye dear]

A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blonde neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox. She opened it then slammed it shut and stormed back into the house. A little later she came out of her house again, went to the mailbox and again opened it, and slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.
As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, she came out again, marched to the mailbox, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.
Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, “Is something wrong?”
To which she replied, “There certainly is!”
My stupid computer keeps saying, “You’ve got mail!”